EP: 9 – How Self-Esteem Can Be Damaged


“We tend to do things that will make us feel better temporarily.”
Randy Haveson (01:57-02:13)


Many people treat themselves poorly, instead of like a best friend. Think about the world if all people had high self-esteem, self-respect, and treated other people equally. This world would be a better place. In this week’s episode, Randy Haveson talks about how self-esteem can be damaged.


Part One of ‘How Self-Esteem Can Be Damaged’


I continually get approached by people who seem to be engaged in conversations around self-esteem. I’m aware of how people relate to the world and to those around them. The point of my books and my workshops is to get people to start treating themselves like their own best friend rather than their own worst enemy.


“It is not what’s outside, but what is inside that counts.”
– Randy Haveson (05:01-05:05)


There are certain things that we do that damage our self-esteem. We do this regularly and it is hard to change. But it can be done. We all have times of poor self-esteem that we’re ashamed of it. We attempt to hide and cover-up. We use temporary pleasures like food, alcohol, and sex in an inappropriate way to feel good momentarily.


In the long run, it doesn’t fill that emptiness. It doesn’t help us to feel better about who we are and where we fit in the world. This is a hard one for me because, to be honest, that voice that is so dark is still inside of me. I see it is for so many people. I’ve learned over the years that the more we fight that voice inside us, the more it wins. It’s like the Star Wars principle. The force, the light, and battling the dark side. When we think about that dark side that’s inside of us, it can feel like we’re never good enough. It feels like we’re a disappointment to our role models.


We all have battles going on inside of us. It’s is one of the reasons why this metaphor resonates with many people.


One thing that bugs me about the way that people portray themselves in the media is they seem to be hiding underneath beautiful lighting, photoshop, and make-up. What’s happening behind it all? Who is that person? We see in the media how people portray themselves to be, but what are they really like? It surprises us when we first hear about stars making a lot of money and becoming famous. Then, we see them having a mental breakdown, they’re in rehab, they commit suicide. They portray an image of being a perfect person. We think if we’re not perfect, it means we’re less, and there’s something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you. We all do the best we can daily. It’s about living, not just surviving. It’s about finding those things in your life that give you joy, that will balance the pain that we sometimes feel inside. No matter how well I did, no matter what I strived for, I never felt like it was good enough.  I threw that away when I decided to treat myself like my own best friend.


Part Two of ‘How Self-Esteem Can Be Damaged’


I told my daughter, ‘I will always love you even though I might not like what you do, that there’s a difference between what you do and who you are.’ Back in my drug days, I would do horrible things to myself. I’d rip off other people, and it was a nasty way to live. And I thought I’m was an awful person, but that wasn’t true. I was a good person struggling to find my way. I did terrible things to myself and to other people that did not make me a bad person. I began to get into my recovery, I realized I’m not all bad. But I’m not perfect by any means. I have bad days; I have good days. I get down on myself sometimes. My ego still tends to get in the way sometimes, and it lowers my self-esteem. It happens. We’re all human doing the best we can daily.


“If what you do becomes a pattern, that can become symbolic of who you are.”
– Randy Haveson (07:53-07:57)


Find one thing to be grateful for, whether it’s a relationship, a talent of yours, or something you enjoy doing. Even if it’s just gratitude for the gift of another day, That is sometimes is a real struggle. Look for one thing to be grateful for and focus on that. There are many ways to raise self-esteem and release the ego. This world should be more grounded in self-esteem so that people start to treat themselves better. That voice in your head that’s always knocking you down, you don’t have to give it energy anymore. You choose where your power goes. If you keep feeding negative thoughts, they will eat you alive.


If you’re seeing someone else struggle, help them to get out of the darkness and find the light. Let someone know that you’re willing to help, but set boundaries for yourself. Help yourself before you help others. We all have our struggles, we have our down moments, and days where we want to say, screw it. Put one foot in front of the other, do the best you can. Tomorrow, hopefully, you’ll feel better than you did today. The whole point is to treat yourself like your own best friend rather than your own worst enemy. You cannot give in to the dark side. Watch the way you treat yourself. Do little things to find gratitude, to be of service, to do something, to get out of negative thinking. If you’re having negative thoughts, you have the power to choose not to listen. You can do this. You can find yourself in the light.



How to Get Involved:
Hitting the stage internationally, Randy is a welcomed speaker that exudes raw energy, magnetic charisma and the relatability of a best friend. He helps audiences around the world define their path in life. He teaches the self-esteem building skills necessary to be positive, productive, and fulfilled members of society.

Find out more about his speaking and consulting firm that helps businesses, schools and individuals address topics such as: self-esteem, alcohol & other drugs, leadership development, and more.